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Joke
Nov 19, 2008 9:14:21 GMT -5
Post by Adonna on Nov 19, 2008 9:14:21 GMT -5
The Post Turtle:
When you're driving down a country road, and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top. Some wonder how the turtle got up there, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with.
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Joke
Jan 20, 2009 16:14:08 GMT -5
Post by Mike on Jan 20, 2009 16:14:08 GMT -5
Two guys are sitting at a bar. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”
The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.” --------------------------
Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says “Do you know how to drive this thing?
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A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
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Joke
Jan 21, 2009 11:23:47 GMT -5
Post by Rabbit on Jan 21, 2009 11:23:47 GMT -5
Nice ones Mike.
What Causes Arthritis? A drunken man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, and lack of a bath." The drunk muttered in response "Well, I'll be darned!" Then returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
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Joke
Jan 21, 2009 18:57:04 GMT -5
Post by Vable on Jan 21, 2009 18:57:04 GMT -5
~grins~
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Joke
Jan 22, 2009 11:49:21 GMT -5
Post by Rabbit on Jan 22, 2009 11:49:21 GMT -5
Thanks, meh pops sent me that one.
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Joke
Jan 22, 2009 15:44:45 GMT -5
Post by Mike on Jan 22, 2009 15:44:45 GMT -5
A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple of minutes ago."
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Joke
Feb 5, 2009 10:47:22 GMT -5
Post by Mike on Feb 5, 2009 10:47:22 GMT -5
The Zen of Sarcasm
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone. 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire. 3. Its always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else. 6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you. 10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment. 12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield. 14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. 20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 21. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
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Joke
Feb 9, 2009 10:30:53 GMT -5
Post by Mike on Feb 9, 2009 10:30:53 GMT -5
What's the oldest profession in the world?
A physician, a civil engineer, and a consultant were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world.
The physician remarked...
"Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The civil engineer interrupted, and said...
"But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore doctor, you are wrong: mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The consultant smugly leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidently...
"Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"
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Joke
Jul 1, 2009 11:00:51 GMT -5
Post by Mike on Jul 1, 2009 11:00:51 GMT -5
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
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Joke
Jul 1, 2009 13:58:46 GMT -5
Post by Rabbit on Jul 1, 2009 13:58:46 GMT -5
Nice.
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Joke
Jul 2, 2009 16:02:44 GMT -5
Post by Vable on Jul 2, 2009 16:02:44 GMT -5
I had a nice hearty laugh too:P very funny
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Joke
Jul 10, 2009 18:02:02 GMT -5
Post by Chad Manning on Jul 10, 2009 18:02:02 GMT -5
Hmmm... sounds so familiar....
nice!
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