|
Joke
Oct 31, 2007 4:13:12 GMT -5
Post by suzanne on Oct 31, 2007 4:13:12 GMT -5
Male or Female From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason.
The best submissions:
SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
TIRE: Male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
MAGIC 8 BALL: Male, because it gives monosyllabic answers that usually indicate it did not pay attention to your question.
WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.
SHOE: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick up people.
REMOTE CONTROL: Female...Ha!...you thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
CRITIC: Female, What, this needs to be explained?
|
|
|
Joke
Oct 31, 2007 10:56:45 GMT -5
Post by Rabbit on Oct 31, 2007 10:56:45 GMT -5
Nice, Suzanne.
|
|
|
Joke
Nov 2, 2007 9:39:37 GMT -5
Post by 0 on Nov 2, 2007 9:39:37 GMT -5
A couple were invited to a swanky Halloween costume party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.
She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown, and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."
"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.
To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your BROTHER, apparently he had the time of his life."
|
|
|
Joke
Nov 17, 2007 17:24:58 GMT -5
Post by Mike on Nov 17, 2007 17:24:58 GMT -5
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says, “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
|
|
|
Joke
Nov 29, 2007 11:54:00 GMT -5
Post by 0 on Nov 29, 2007 11:54:00 GMT -5
The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton (HRC) are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd. 'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, 'Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?' He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. 'That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice.' The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. 'One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me.' So the Pope slapped her.
|
|
|
Joke
Dec 5, 2007 17:14:16 GMT -5
Post by Teri on Dec 5, 2007 17:14:16 GMT -5
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and a Texan -are all working together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Djinni pops out of it. "I will give each one of you one wish, which is three wishes in total" says the Djinni.
The Canadian says "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
With the blink of the Djinni's eye, POOF!, the land in Canada is forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Syria, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans, or Canadians can come in our precious land."
Again, with the blink of the Djinni's eye, POOF!, there is a huge wall around those countries.
The Texan says "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Djinni explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out. It's virtually impenetrable."
The Texan sits down, cracks open a beer, smiles and tells the Djinni "Fill it with water."
|
|
|
Joke
Feb 5, 2008 18:50:25 GMT -5
Post by Rabbit on Feb 5, 2008 18:50:25 GMT -5
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife Subject : I've Arrived Date: October 16, 2007 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!*
|
|
|
Joke
Feb 5, 2008 20:46:36 GMT -5
Post by Vable on Feb 5, 2008 20:46:36 GMT -5
LMAO. p.s. sure is freaking hot down here! LOLLOLOLOLOLLLOL
|
|
|
Joke
Feb 7, 2008 7:19:01 GMT -5
Post by Bryon on Feb 7, 2008 7:19:01 GMT -5
rofl, thats great...
|
|
|
Joke
Jun 24, 2008 10:32:07 GMT -5
Post by 0 on Jun 24, 2008 10:32:07 GMT -5
A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."
"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.
The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.
"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."
"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach."
|
|
|
Joke
Jun 24, 2008 19:25:40 GMT -5
Post by Rabbit on Jun 24, 2008 19:25:40 GMT -5
You know it's a bad joke when I consider telling it to my dad .
|
|
|
Joke
Jun 27, 2008 15:00:29 GMT -5
Post by Gary on Jun 27, 2008 15:00:29 GMT -5
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious, Dad . Can you help?'
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'
' Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having babies.'
'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'
I was equally outraged. 'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.
'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically! ).
'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed
'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.'
'Oh, gross!' they shrieked.
'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.
'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.
'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.
'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know 'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.
'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.
'Oh, very interesting, ' he murmured. 'Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.
]
'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen . . . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . . Um . Masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this. 'So, Ernie's just . . . Just .
Excited,' my wife offered. 'Exactly,' the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face 'It's just . . . That . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . its . . teeny little . ..' She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me.
'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs.
|
|
|
Joke
Nov 14, 2008 10:58:30 GMT -5
Post by Mike on Nov 14, 2008 10:58:30 GMT -5
So these two nuns are driving at night in Transylvania, and this vampire jumps onto the hood of the car. He scratches at the windshield and hisses at them frighteningly.
The nuns scream, and the nun driving calls out, "Oh no, what do I do?"
The passenger nun yells, "Try turning on the windshield wipers to knock him off!"
The driving nun turns on the wipers, the vampire gets batted around a bit, but he's STILL HANGING ON! She yells, "It's not working! What do I do now?!"
The passenger nun calls out, "Try swerving back and forth to shake him off!"
So the driving nun swerves left, right, left, right, left, right. The vampires legs fling back and forth across the hood, but he is STILL HANGING ON! She yells again, "Oh no, that didn't work either! What do I do now?!"
The passenger nun calls out, "I know, show him your cross!"
The driving nun says, "Good idea". She rolls down her window, sticks her head out and yells, "GET THE F#@k OFF MY CAR!"
|
|
|
Joke
Nov 18, 2008 9:03:11 GMT -5
Post by Mike on Nov 18, 2008 9:03:11 GMT -5
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!" he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"
"Oh my god", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex!"
|
|
|
Joke
Nov 18, 2008 11:17:36 GMT -5
Post by Vable on Nov 18, 2008 11:17:36 GMT -5
get the fluff off my car! hehehehe. niiiiiiiiice
|
|